Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
🍞🦆
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.