[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole