The most important meal of the day is the next one
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!