“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
You Might Also Like
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.