The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You Might Also Like
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”