[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Noted.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
🖤✌🏽
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
no
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?