Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”