[to baby crying for 45 mins]
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.