As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
uh oh
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.