It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true