ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes