quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ