This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women