okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
me after drinking all the wine:
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)