wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”