A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds