Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.