ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.