[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.