The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*serious situation*
My brain:
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏