What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Meow
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks