Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad