I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward