(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.