As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.