I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
my name if I was in the mob
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Can’t. Being lazy.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.