Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Yaba daba do not resuscitate