*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
S O O N
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR