realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
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i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.