Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
incredible book dedication
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.