of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
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Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
A choir of Spring onions
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you