Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school