An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Rambo Rambow
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together