bias laundering edition
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
He’s dead
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.