if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.