Boom, boom, ching!
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.