*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
You Might Also Like
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul