My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬