[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
You Might Also Like
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Not all heroes wear capes….
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.