Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
You Might Also Like
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.