“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK