Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”