me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Twitter is the new flypaper.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
lmfao come on
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Just had my nails done!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol