Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
An odd boast
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Every photo I’m tagged in
the official breakfast of 2021
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain