My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.