Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
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*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.