If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Pikachu found the lost joint
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The Compass
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.