If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Legend 🤣🤣
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Y’all know who you are.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.