screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner鈥檚 live laugh love decals
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Lied on my r茅sum茅 and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…馃槀馃惍馃悜
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 馃槈
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there鈥檚 no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube