[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*mops up wine with cat*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.